I watched this one on a whim last night, after randomly coming across it on Tubi. Thank you, Tubi. Basic plot: a commercial airliner carrying a bunch of beauty pageant contestants crashes into the sea, and the survivors wash up on a deserted island where they must, under direct orders from the Vatican issued through Michael Jackson, defeat an army of intelligent apes and a giant prehistoric pig/T-rex hybrid monster and destroy Noah’s Ark before the world ends.
Go on, take a moment to absorb that plot. Re-read it if you need to. It’s the sort of plot you’d get, I imagine, by slipping an 11-year old boy three tabs of acid and letting him sleep through Sunday School, then having him write down whatever he remembers.
Before you check out, know three things: One, it’s an absurdist parody comedy, made on an extremely low budget. Two, it’s pretty stupid. Three, it’s pretty damn funny.
Leading the cast is Charlie Schlatter, who I haven’t seen onscreen since he did 18 Again with George Burns. He plays the co-pilot “Mike”, who is nervous, lacks confidence and tends to be shunned by the group. He ends up collecting packages off the beach a la Tom Hanks in Cast Away, and sets himself up pretty well in a cave by himself. Meanwhile, the uber-hip pilot named “Maximus Power” (played excellently by Eric Roberts) corrals the beautiful young ladies and is barely able to make a campfire. He’s content living a frat-boy fever dream rather than realistically making anyone’s life on the beach any better. Meanwhile, Mike has wifi, cable TV, a Belgian waffle maker, stocked fridge and personal assistant robot in his cave home, and he begins an awkward relationship with Julie, the flight attendant (Joyce Giraud).
At some point, his robot opens a hologram projection of Michael Jackson (think R2-D2 revealing the Princess Leia recording to Luke in Star Wars). Yes, no shit. Michael fucking Jackson. Apparently, it was the last scripted performance he ever gave, and is sort of a reprisal of his “Agent MJ” character from Men In Black 2. His scenes were shot at Neverland Ranch, and three things are pretty obvious. One, he’s likely sitting on a couch, with a green screen draped behind him, reading off cue cards. Two, he looks stoned out of his mind. Seeing this, I’m kind of surprised it took him another 5 years to overdose. Three, Michael Jackson is a shitty actor.
Anyway, Agent MJ tells Mike he is speaking for the Pope and the Vatican, and charges him with destroying Noah’s Ark, which is on the same island, before intelligent apes put it back into the water and cause the world to flood again. Evidently, the biblical flood is automatically triggered anytime Noah’s boat floats. God works in mysterious ways, right?
Once Captain Power (tee hee) and the ladies see Agent MJ for themselves, they all unite in their mission. Almost like they knew their running time was getting up there (or they blew most of their budget on either Eric Roberts or Michael Jackson), the end comes like a tsunami. They overthrow the intelligent apes and sink Noah’s Ark, thus preventing the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine with that. By the way, Noah is played by Stuart Pankin, another 80’s throwback I haven’t seen since “Not Necessarily The News” on HBO.
It’s a very silly movie, filled with absurd humor and shitty special effects, but all of it on purpose and crafted with love. Yes, it’s the kind of love a dendrophiliac feels in a state forest, but it’s definitely love.
